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4 in the afternoon. April 27th. I had just returned to the market from lunch with Charles. Standing by the stairs behind the creamery. Sunshine, newly pink hair, and a full tummy. Excited for date night the next evening.
Luke calls.
Life changed.
Panic is the worst silence.
Things went dark.
The weather changed.
I went home to my windowsill and didn't leave for days.
The most precious thing Ive had was violently ripped from the frame.
I hung on every text from Erin. He had been living and dieing at the same time for too long for me to comprehend.
Update after update.
He was going through hell at the hospital. I couldn't go see him, it would only add stress. I felt terrified that he wouldn't know I love him if I wasn't there. The mind whirls with unreasonable "I should'ves" and "what ifs" when communication is cut.
Not knowing what else to do, I sat and watched the leaves grow on the trees. Watched the rain drip from their new spring tips. Cried until I gagged from fear. Drank too much. Panicked about panicking too much.
Luckily, being Mr. Sneaky, he had his phone. Any texts from him were like air. All that mattered was him. Him alive and stable. Eating, moving, joking, smiling, pooping. All those wonderful things you do when you're ALIVE. Days blurred until I had to got to work.
Surreal.
Everything was different.
No, everything was the same- I, was different. Monday blurs to Wednesday blurs to Saturday to Monday again.
Suddenly its may 12th?
I cant decide if it feels as if a day has past or ten years. There's been so much talking to so many people I forget who knows what. "What is the last thing you heard?" seems to be the beginning of most conversations I have. 2nd hand gets past along to 3rd then 4th and so on. Its a game of telephone... "Luke's got hamsters- basset hound!" (Madagascar reference-sorry)
Today is his first day of chemo.
I'm reading anything I can on line about stage 4 bladder cancer, chemotherapy, radiation, nutritional needs, natural cures, supplements, you name it. Seeing SO many people who have come out of the same thing completely cancer free and without bitterness is encouraging to say the least! The best treatment for him is love. He needs to keep his head above water to beat this. I know he's superman. He handles things that blow my mind daily. I know that cancer would have NO chance if he keeps his spirit from being broken. I don't want him to allow sadness to creep in and steal the life he's already worked so hard to keep.
I saw him yesterday for the longest time in weeks.
Visitors came and went like they would at the hospital. He's got a good strong face about this but the depression shows in his eyes. We layed in bed between one visitor and the next. The apartment was quiet and filled with soft sun the way it was the first time I visited over 2 years ago. Classical music from the radio in the kitchen was the only hushed sound. My head on his shoulder, my arm draped across his chest, he closed his eyes, exhausted from life. I layed, watched him purse his lips while he dozed. I suddenly had to shoved tears down the back of my throat when I thought about how hard he'd fought already to keep the air in his lungs that were slowly lifting my draped arm up and down. He heard me swallow and stirred. With eyes still closed, sleepy voiced he muttered,
"what? was that a question."
"no baby" with a tiny grin on my face.
It was a perfect still moment.
This chapter in life is going to be rough, roughest on Luke. This has nothing to do with who loves him the most, who's been there for him, the medical bills, sex, romance, dates, who cares! I am not playing the roll of the girlfriend right now. That's something for later. Erin is in the position she needs to be for him. I am grateful! I am here to love and support in a way I've never been able to love and support anyone. It's true, the greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return and he's taught me what true love is. This- is without condition and steadfast.
Come on baby. Don't sink. You've never lost a fight before- and I KNOW you aren't going to start now. Fuck the dark clouds, fuck the bills, fuck the tubes and needles. Push! THIS WILL NOT TAKE YOU!!!
