I lose.

I'm waving the white flag.
You win.

Just to love and be loved in return.

Love is never perfect.
Its not easy or pretty at times.
But love, real, true love between people will change you permanently.
Today, I got my first tattoo.
I've been thinking about this for a long time.

A year ago, Luke drew a heart with pen on my chest at a time when I needed to know the most that he loved me.
I had to relinquish my role as a girlfriend for a period of time while he played boyfriend to someone else for a bit.
This silly little lop-sided heart has meant more to me than a lot of things.
Him pushing me into a dark private corner and telling me "i love you" in a whisper while he drew a heart over my own, said everything I needed to know.
I doubt he remembers even doing this but-
It gave me a comfort.

The tattoo is the same heart he drew on me a year ago... only as a permanent tattoo instead of BIC pen.
Please don't confuse me getting this tattooed on me as a pitiful way of tattooing his name on my ass cheek- it actually has nothing to do with branding myself with him.
This little heart has become a reminder of how I've grown.
I never had family or true friends.
Any relationship I had was very guarded for fear that I would get hurt.
Knowing Luke has changed me. How I love, him as my boyfriend and as a friend.
I've learned how to simply love someone without boundaries the way I should've been loving people my whole life.
He forced past my walls and demanded honesty and love.
I eventually gave in and in turn, learned what I've done wrong for 25 years.
I think about if I hadn't met him.
I wouldn't have the family of astounding friends around me that I do.
They love me fully and I, love them just the same... for the first time.
I have the most amazing circle of support that I could ever imagine!
This tattoo is not an "I love Luke Dorsey".
This is my way of saying I have learned to love and be loved in return.
I wanted a tattoo saying this for me in a way that I only understand.
I wanted it to be permanent and to hurt.
I wanted it to face me as a daily reminder of whats important.
I wanted it to be imperfect and simple.
No one has the power to remove the people you love. Love hurts. Its imperfect. But sometimes, to love is simple and quiet.
So, yes, it was drawn by him, and now it is my reminder to love completely and without fear because you don't know how it can change your life or someone elses. Because of him, every relationship I have with anyone in my life will be different because of what I've learned.
This is why I needed this heart permanently on me.

Trying to find freedom in emptiness.

During the past 5 months, major life waves have come and gone.
I'm alone now- a lot.
I wake up alone.
I come home everyday from work to being alone.
I make dinner only for myself.
I watch movies alone.
I go to bed alone.
I have no one to call my own anymore.
That option has been revoked along with my free will.

I'm stuck in a silent cage of limitations.

It's started to really get to me.

I know that one of the side affects to my medication is depression. Everyone I know who takes the stuff is on anti-depressants.
I never thought I would consider the possibility of actually needing them.
I've only had one person I can really let all the dark thoughts out to.
And when I say dark... I mean it.
If I didn't have that one person I could curl into the fetal position on the floor and bawl my eyes out in front of and say the words "I don't want to live thru this!" I don't know if I WOULD actually live thru this.

He's been a true friend to me and has offered an un-judging ear.
I would've done some hurtful things to myself by now if I didn't have that ear.
So, I am grateful.

If you ask me how I'm doing, I'll tell you I'm doin ok.
I'm not... obviously.

In two years and 7 months of total time I've known Luke I've never let him see me cry.
The other night he called me.
It was the first time I've ever let him hear me cry about whats happened to him since April. I hadn't heard his voice in forever. It sucked the tears right out of me. Nothing will ever undo me like the sound of him in anguish.


Paul, being the good friend that he is, sent me his usual "hey, how are you today?" kind of txt the following day.
I told him that after the phone call from Luke, I spent the entire night crying.
"its stuff like that that makes me not envy Erins position cuz she gets those calls daily!"
Really, its calls like that that MAKE me envy her position because she gets them.
She gets to hear his voice everyday. She gets to see him. Kiss him. Feed him. Laugh. Talk. Touch. Love.
Every second she has with him she can soak up. Cherish. memorize his face. Listen to him as he sleeps.
I'm not saying she doesn't deserve to.
She is his wife.
For me, every tick of the clock reminds me that he's only 3 miles from my house and I cant see him.
I cant cherish.
Kiss.
Feed.
Laugh.
Talk.
Touch.
I have to sit here in silence in hopes that my absence allows for peace between them long enough for him to possibly make some improvement.

This- drives me crazy.

How are you supposed to make it through your boyfriend struggling with advanced stage cancer with only a handful of texts from him a day? That's it. That's all ya get.

This isn't his fault.
Every time I tell him I wish I could see him or hear from him I feel as if he is taking on himself as it being HIS fault.
I place no weight on his shoulders!
He- cant walk.
He- cant call especially if other people are home.
He- needs to sleep a lot.
He's dealing with terrible depression as well.
I would take time off of work to be near him if she said it was ok.
I don't need to go out and do things with him.
I don't need dates.
I don't need things to be pleasant or friendly.
I don't need him to be superman for me.

I need her to allow me time with him.
Even if he's passed out sleeping from the drugs.
Its more than what I'm allowed to have now.
You would think that in an open relationship, especially after the marriage, she would allow someone a little closer to the person who deserves all the love in the world.
I just want to love him in person again.

I cant explain the emptiness I feel.
I don't know how else to explain it other than emptiness has consumed me.
I can see it when I look in the mirror.
My pupils are wide and black.
Hollow.

I'm a void.
I continually try to fill the gaping space that has been left with anything I possibly can.
Booze.
Dennis.
Porn.
Food.
I've been stuffing myself with any and all of this in hopes that it makes me feel a fullness again.
Its the old mentality seeping back in.
It works equally as well as it did back then- meaning, not at all.

So, I decided to pick up fire poi.
My close friend got me hooked a few months ago and I felt a freeness instantly.
Its one thing that I can do nightly that doesn't need anything but me, my living room, and my reflection.
I can be lost for hours using my brain for something other than wondering if the reason I haven't gotten a txt from him is because possibly something horrible has happened. That possibly he's died and I never got to look in his eyes ever again.

Its been a therapy I cant explain. (even tho he relishes in making fun of me for doing it!)
Sometimes I wake up with blisters between my fingers from the leather finger loops, chain bruises on forearms, pulled tendons in my left wrist and and an occasional broken light bulb form a a dislodged tennis ball... Its great!

Its like a puzzle using your brain and body this way.
A challenge to learn something brand new. I'm teaching an old dog new tricks.
Learning how to use something that can never be fought like physics and gravity to do something that looks impossible.
No matter how much shit he flips me for doing something as "lame as fire poi", I will continue to do it.
I will light them up.
And I will feel as free as I can for the time that the fire whips around me.

It's all Ive got to keep me from drowning in the emptiness.

A letter to cancer.... (warning- violent)

Dear Cancer,

I've had several months for shit to be bottled up and build pressure.
Now- I'm done.
I'm so fucking done.
FUCK YOU! FUCCCKKK YOUUU!!!
NO! FUCK YOU DOESN'T EVEN COME CLOSE!
I want you dead.
I'd do it myself if I could.
If you were a human I would wrap my hands deep around the soft parts of your throat and squeeze...
with every angry ounce of strength I have!
I'd enjoy every thrash your body made as you struggled to keep air in your evil lungs.
I'd relish in the sucking wet noise bubbling from your sick mouth.
Tug at my hands throbbing with revenge...go ahead. TUG!!! COME ON! TRY TO TUG!!!!
Bleed out from your eye sockets you FUCKING CUNT!!
Suck your last drowning metallic bloody breath!
Just enough air to allow you to open your eyes, to see and feel me spit in your face as you go black!
You are the character people cheer over in movie theaters when you are killed by the lead role in movies.
You-
YOU!- Think you can just come in and remove life like this!?
He's had nothing but shit thrown at him through his life.
He deserves the world and yet YOU think you can come in and pull the rug out from under the strongest man I've ever met!!!???
I'll wear your skin as a metal of honor when this is all said and done!
Your children will shutter in fear if they hear my name.
You are the enemy I will fight for the rest of my life whether you plague me or my loved ones.
I wont sleep until you suffer an equally terrible death that you've forced on more than can be counted for.

Without fail.

Without fail.
Every morning, my alarm goes off.
Every morning, I turn it off and wish I would never wake up again.
Stare.
Stare at the ceiling.
My distorted reflection stares like a zombie back at me from the chrome lip of my bedroom light.
Stare at the wall.
God, I need to hang something in that blank space.
Start seeing faces in the folds of the blanket when I can no longer gaze at the wall.
God, I need to fold my laundry.
Every sound is painfully loud when you feel this empty.

I send you my regular morning text.
Make it sound upbeat. Come on! make it sound happy.
Don't let him know your rotting from the inside out.
Keep what he sees and hears locked up.
You cant be bothered.
Put on the indifferent tone.
Poke fun. Talk shit. As if you don't know he's dieing.

The crows outside my house sound like a death rattle.

How am I going to get through this day....
Paint my face.
The more makeup I wear is in direct correlation with how horrible I feel.
Look at my pink hair.
Look at my fake eyelashes.
Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.
The man behind the curtain is just a broken girl who doesn't actually want to talk about this.
They'd never understand anyways.
They certainly wouldn't stop talking long enough for you to explain anything anyways.
Paint paint paint.
Paint the roses red.
They're gray anyways.
It only matters what people see right?
Fake the rose colored tint when you're in a black hole.
Pull my tights on.
Zip up my skirt.
Catch my bus.
Go to work.
Start another 24 hrs I'll lose with him.
Every morning.
Without fail.

Overwhelmed

I created this blog in hopes to write it all out... get it all out in an orderly form that I can then glean some sort of clarity from.

You know, how you cry about something then once the tears dry up, your left with salty marks of logic that you couldn't decipher from the ocean of emotional bull shit...
Ya, that has been my hopes for starting this blog.
In reality, I'm overwhelmed with trying to put it all down. Its impossible. I begin one blog after another and they take this turn as I write-

Facts
Facts
Facts
Facts
Anger
ANGER
ANGER
FURY!!
FURY!!
sadness
hopelessness.

Then I stop writing.
I dont post.
No one wants to read what is going on in life- trust me.
I need to write more often. I know this.
It wont be so overwhelming if I do.

I've been haunted lately by something that an acquaintance at the bar said to me. I had just had the first chance to see Luke at the hospital sine he had gone in a week before. I walked down to the Noc from Virginia mason.
Felt totally mentally and emotionally disturbed.

A slurry of "hows he doing?" over and over.

The acquaintance pulls me to her chair at the bar, not knowing this would offend me...
"so, hows Luke?"
"*typical answer from me*"
"I guess its times like these when it really makes you re-evaluate life and makes you appreciate the people in you're life huh?"
"I never needed this to happen for me to appreciate Luke."
I'm not the one who actually started loving him they way they shouldve this whole time.
I did from the moment our relationship began.
Now she does.

Now that hes got cancer...she does.
Makes me sick with anger.

There. Ive written one thing.
1,000,000 more to go.

Worlds change in a blink of an eye

4 in the afternoon. April 27th. I had just returned to the market from lunch with Charles. Standing by the stairs behind the creamery. Sunshine, newly pink hair, and a full tummy. Excited for date night the next evening.
Luke calls.
Life changed.


Panic is the worst silence.
Things went dark.
The weather changed.
I went home to my windowsill and didn't leave for days.
The most precious thing Ive had was violently ripped from the frame.
I hung on every text from Erin. He had been living and dieing at the same time for too long for me to comprehend.
Update after update.
He was going through hell at the hospital. I couldn't go see him, it would only add stress. I felt terrified that he wouldn't know I love him if I wasn't there. The mind whirls with unreasonable "I should'ves" and "what ifs" when communication is cut.
Not knowing what else to do, I sat and watched the leaves grow on the trees. Watched the rain drip from their new spring tips. Cried until I gagged from fear. Drank too much. Panicked about panicking too much.
Luckily, being Mr. Sneaky, he had his phone. Any texts from him were like air. All that mattered was him. Him alive and stable. Eating, moving, joking, smiling, pooping. All those wonderful things you do when you're ALIVE. Days blurred until I had to got to work.
Surreal.
Everything was different.
No, everything was the same- I, was different. Monday blurs to Wednesday blurs to Saturday to Monday again.
Suddenly its may 12th?
I cant decide if it feels as if a day has past or ten years. There's been so much talking to so many people I forget who knows what. "What is the last thing you heard?" seems to be the beginning of most conversations I have. 2nd hand gets past along to 3rd then 4th and so on. Its a game of telephone... "Luke's got hamsters- basset hound!" (Madagascar reference-sorry)
Today is his first day of chemo.
I'm reading anything I can on line about stage 4 bladder cancer, chemotherapy, radiation, nutritional needs, natural cures, supplements, you name it. Seeing SO many people who have come out of the same thing completely cancer free and without bitterness is encouraging to say the least! The best treatment for him is love. He needs to keep his head above water to beat this. I know he's superman. He handles things that blow my mind daily. I know that cancer would have NO chance if he keeps his spirit from being broken. I don't want him to allow sadness to creep in and steal the life he's already worked so hard to keep.
I saw him yesterday for the longest time in weeks.
Visitors came and went like they would at the hospital. He's got a good strong face about this but the depression shows in his eyes. We layed in bed between one visitor and the next. The apartment was quiet and filled with soft sun the way it was the first time I visited over 2 years ago. Classical music from the radio in the kitchen was the only hushed sound. My head on his shoulder, my arm draped across his chest, he closed his eyes, exhausted from life. I layed, watched him purse his lips while he dozed. I suddenly had to shoved tears down the back of my throat when I thought about how hard he'd fought already to keep the air in his lungs that were slowly lifting my draped arm up and down. He heard me swallow and stirred. With eyes still closed, sleepy voiced he muttered,
"what? was that a question."
"no baby" with a tiny grin on my face.
It was a perfect still moment.
This chapter in life is going to be rough, roughest on Luke. This has nothing to do with who loves him the most, who's been there for him, the medical bills, sex, romance, dates, who cares! I am not playing the roll of the girlfriend right now. That's something for later. Erin is in the position she needs to be for him. I am grateful! I am here to love and support in a way I've never been able to love and support anyone. It's true, the greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return and he's taught me what true love is. This- is without condition and steadfast.

Come on baby. Don't sink. You've never lost a fight before- and I KNOW you aren't going to start now. Fuck the dark clouds, fuck the bills, fuck the tubes and needles. Push! THIS WILL NOT TAKE YOU!!!