Overwhelmed

I created this blog in hopes to write it all out... get it all out in an orderly form that I can then glean some sort of clarity from.

You know, how you cry about something then once the tears dry up, your left with salty marks of logic that you couldn't decipher from the ocean of emotional bull shit...
Ya, that has been my hopes for starting this blog.
In reality, I'm overwhelmed with trying to put it all down. Its impossible. I begin one blog after another and they take this turn as I write-

Facts
Facts
Facts
Facts
Anger
ANGER
ANGER
FURY!!
FURY!!
sadness
hopelessness.

Then I stop writing.
I dont post.
No one wants to read what is going on in life- trust me.
I need to write more often. I know this.
It wont be so overwhelming if I do.

I've been haunted lately by something that an acquaintance at the bar said to me. I had just had the first chance to see Luke at the hospital sine he had gone in a week before. I walked down to the Noc from Virginia mason.
Felt totally mentally and emotionally disturbed.

A slurry of "hows he doing?" over and over.

The acquaintance pulls me to her chair at the bar, not knowing this would offend me...
"so, hows Luke?"
"*typical answer from me*"
"I guess its times like these when it really makes you re-evaluate life and makes you appreciate the people in you're life huh?"
"I never needed this to happen for me to appreciate Luke."
I'm not the one who actually started loving him they way they shouldve this whole time.
I did from the moment our relationship began.
Now she does.

Now that hes got cancer...she does.
Makes me sick with anger.

There. Ive written one thing.
1,000,000 more to go.