During the past 5 months, major life waves have come and gone.
I'm alone now- a lot.
I wake up alone.
I come home everyday from work to being alone.
I make dinner only for myself.
I watch movies alone.
I go to bed alone.
I have no one to call my own anymore.
That option has been revoked along with my free will.
I'm stuck in a silent cage of limitations.
It's started to really get to me.
I know that one of the side affects to my medication is depression. Everyone I know who takes the stuff is on anti-depressants.
I never thought I would consider the possibility of actually needing them.
I've only had one person I can really let all the dark thoughts out to.
And when I say dark... I mean it.
If I didn't have that one person I could curl into the fetal position on the floor and bawl my eyes out in front of and say the words "I don't want to live thru this!" I don't know if I WOULD actually live thru this.
He's been a true friend to me and has offered an un-judging ear.
I would've done some hurtful things to myself by now if I didn't have that ear.
So, I am grateful.
If you ask me how I'm doing, I'll tell you I'm doin ok.
I'm not... obviously.
In two years and 7 months of total time I've known Luke I've never let him see me cry.
The other night he called me.
It was the first time I've ever let him hear me cry about whats happened to him since April. I hadn't heard his voice in forever. It sucked the tears right out of me. Nothing will ever undo me like the sound of him in anguish.
Paul, being the good friend that he is, sent me his usual "hey, how are you today?" kind of txt the following day.
I told him that after the phone call from Luke, I spent the entire night crying.
"its stuff like that that makes me not envy Erins position cuz she gets those calls daily!"
Really, its calls like that that MAKE me envy her position because she gets them.
She gets to hear his voice everyday. She gets to see him. Kiss him. Feed him. Laugh. Talk. Touch. Love.
Every second she has with him she can soak up. Cherish. memorize his face. Listen to him as he sleeps.
I'm not saying she doesn't deserve to.
She is his wife.
For me, every tick of the clock reminds me that he's only 3 miles from my house and I cant see him.
I cant cherish.
Kiss.
Feed.
Laugh.
Talk.
Touch.
I have to sit here in silence in hopes that my absence allows for peace between them long enough for him to possibly make some improvement.
This- drives me crazy.
How are you supposed to make it through your boyfriend struggling with advanced stage cancer with only a handful of texts from him a day? That's it. That's all ya get.
This isn't his fault.
Every time I tell him I wish I could see him or hear from him I feel as if he is taking on himself as it being HIS fault.
I place no weight on his shoulders!
He- cant walk.
He- cant call especially if other people are home.
He- needs to sleep a lot.
He's dealing with terrible depression as well.
I would take time off of work to be near him if she said it was ok.
I don't need to go out and do things with him.
I don't need dates.
I don't need things to be pleasant or friendly.
I don't need him to be superman for me.
I need her to allow me time with him.
Even if he's passed out sleeping from the drugs.
Its more than what I'm allowed to have now.
You would think that in an open relationship, especially after the marriage, she would allow someone a little closer to the person who deserves all the love in the world.
I just want to love him in person again.
I cant explain the emptiness I feel.
I don't know how else to explain it other than emptiness has consumed me.
I can see it when I look in the mirror.
My pupils are wide and black.
Hollow.
I'm a void.
I continually try to fill the gaping space that has been left with anything I possibly can.
Booze.
Dennis.
Porn.
Food.
I've been stuffing myself with any and all of this in hopes that it makes me feel a fullness again.
Its the old mentality seeping back in.
It works equally as well as it did back then- meaning, not at all.
So, I decided to pick up fire poi.
My close friend got me hooked a few months ago and I felt a freeness instantly.
Its one thing that I can do nightly that doesn't need anything but me, my living room, and my reflection.
I can be lost for hours using my brain for something other than wondering if the reason I haven't gotten a txt from him is because possibly something horrible has happened. That possibly he's died and I never got to look in his eyes ever again.
Its been a therapy I cant explain. (even tho he relishes in making fun of me for doing it!)
Sometimes I wake up with blisters between my fingers from the leather finger loops, chain bruises on forearms, pulled tendons in my left wrist and and an occasional broken light bulb form a a dislodged tennis ball... Its great!
Its like a puzzle using your brain and body this way.
A challenge to learn something brand new. I'm teaching an old dog new tricks.
Learning how to use something that can never be fought like physics and gravity to do something that looks impossible.
No matter how much shit he flips me for doing something as "lame as fire poi", I will continue to do it.
I will light them up.
And I will feel as free as I can for the time that the fire whips around me.
It's all Ive got to keep me from drowning in the emptiness.
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